Longest blog ever

Are you ready? Wow, so much to write about, where to begin? This is going to be long. You've been warned. 2 new picture posts below this blog so skip to those if you don't fancy a long read right now.

Dorian is crawling, walking all over the house (while holding on to something), laughing all the time, talking, interacting with everyone. I am convinced he is going to be an early walker and talker...usually it's one or the other, but remember, my son is gifted. He's still not sleeping. We started Sleep Training, Session #3,064 last week and it seemed to be working. Tuesday night he slept 9 hours, then I fed him when he woke up crying, then he slept 3 more. The best night ever!!!!!! The next 2 nights? Up every half hour...I finally pulled him into bed with me. I know we're supposed to be consistent but I was dying!!!! And I am alone with Dorian on weekdays so I knew I needed some sleep. My parents are helping out this week-end - I got to clean the house today (the dishes had been piled up on the kitchen counter since James left) and do some yoga. Tomorrow I am going to go for a run and to get my nails done. Anyway, I guess we'll resume the sleep training again when James returns. I don't understand why it keeps working for 1 night and then regressing again. It's horrible.

I am really frustrated with our diaper situation. Dori is still in disposables...the next size up in the cloth diapers and covers still don't fit!!!! Almost 3 months later! I cancelled our diaper service a couple weeks ago because I think it is ridiculous they don't have something for the interim period. I went online and researched cloth diapers and decided Dorian is old enough now that we can wash our own diapers. It will end up being cheaper in the long run (always would have been, I just had no desire to wash a million poopy diapers every day!) He only goes through 4-5 diapers a day instead of 10+ like he did when he was really young. I decided we could handle that. So I purchased two dozen cloth diapers (for the 15-30 pound baby) at wholesale prices and 3 smaller diaper covers (of a different brand) for the interim period. My son must have a freakishly small butt or something because they're still too big!!!! So we're still in disposables! I hate thinking about what we're doing to the environment but I really don't want to spend any more money. Eventually he'll grow into the cloth diapers and covers, but I honestly think it could be 3-4 months. They're huge! And by that time, we'll be thinking about potty training. We're hoping to start potty training early at 15 months, which is the earliest most people find you can successfully potty train a baby. Obviously, it could end up being later than that but I'm really going to push for earlier. I am really pissed at the diaper company, quite frankly. They're supposed to care about the environment and everything, but there's this huge gap in their service. Sucks. Anyway, enough about that.

I can't believe I start nursing school in 6 weeks. I'm kind of scared. Okay, actually, really scared!!!! It's a huge commitment. It sounds like I'm going to have to study all the time. If you get less than 75% in any class, you're kicked out of the program! During my 3 week pre-nursing program/orientation, the directors talked about how loads of us will end up splitting with our partners, not seeing our children, losing our friends, etc. They told us to look around the room - 50% of our classmates will have been kicked out or dropped out by the end of the first semester. It was actually quite negative and terrifying. I was kind of pissed at the way they approached it. They really scared me. I know I can do it...I am a good student and determined to become a nurse. But will I see my family at all? Will I have time to de-stress? Will I have any fun at all for the next 2 years? Will I sleep at all? Oh wait, I don't sleep right now anyway. Will I be able to get through school if Dori still isn't sleeping??? I will be on campus from 8am-5pm Monday to Friday for the first 10 weeks of the semester. They said we'll need to plan on studying at home in the evenings too. Then I will be on campus 3 days a week and at a hospital 2 days a week. Hopefully, it will still be Monday-Friday (daytime) but there's a possibility a hospital shift would be in the evening or on the week-end. James and I realized we were going to have to put Dorian in daycare, at least 2-3 days a week. We crunched numbers and came to the conclusion that James would be better off quitting his teaching job at the center in Mountain View and caring for Dorian himself. He just wouldn't be bringing home that much after paying for daycare, and we'd rather have Dorian at home with one of us while he is still so young. I definitely think daycare is good for children, but we'd prefer to wait until he's a little older and really wanting to interact with other children. So James will be the full-time parent next year...we're swapping places. He'll still be with the band but they usually only gig Fridays and week-ends (apart from over the summer and for a month in March/April). I will really crack down and try to do all my schoolwork Monday-Friday so I can spend all week-end with Dorian. Hopefully, my mom and/or dad can watch Dorian the Fridays that James leaves earlier in the day. James will also teach a few private lessons from home in the late afternoons and possibly a few rock classes at a center in Oakland on an evening. We're going to have to dip into our savings a bit, but that was always the plan anyway. Hopefully, I'll get a federal student loan for my second year, or even this year. I'm still waiting to hear back. It was so unfortunate airline tickets went up so much this year (for our England trip). Luckily, my parents paid for one of the tickets. They said they thought it was really important to see the other grandparents...I thought that was very sweet. My parents drive me nuts sometimes (love you guys!) but they are very generous in their old age. :)

I am ready to go back to school, even though I'm nervous. I wouldn't have changed this year for the world, but I gotta tell you, I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I am bored out of my mind!!!!!!! I love my son more than anything, but this is just not what I want to be doing 24/7. I think it was so important that I had this year off and really bonded with him, but I am so glad James wants to be the stay at home parent now. I can't wait to start learning again, talking to adults, and exercising (there's a gym on campus). I am not as creative as James...when Dorian gets bored, I don't know what to do. I try to put him in his jumperoo or park him in front of some toys or play piano with him. The same things, over and over again. I don't know if it would be any different if I got more sleep, but I can't change that. I do think I get frustrated a lot quicker than I normally would because I'm so sleep-deprived. I notice it in other parts of my life too. Don't get me wrong, I am always happy and smiling and cuddly with my boy, but I just can't ever think of new things to do. I end up carrying him around a lot and talking him through what I'm doing because he is always content if he's being held (by me anyway). I don't have a car of my own. My brother and I have shared a car this year but it's been in the shop for the past 3 weeks. I can't take long walks with Dorian anymore because he gets bored with being in the stroller after 30 minutes or so and I can't carry him long distances anymore. I am experiencing major back pain...I have had back pain for the past 8 years, but it's horrible at the moment. Yet another reason I'm glad James will be the one at home with Dori next year. Dori is getting way too heavy and long for this 5'2" girl! At least my arms are really muscular and trim from carrying him around so much, and I am just a few pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.

I know that if I'm away so much, bedtimes, mornings and week-ends are going to seem so much more special to me. And vacations. We're spending my whole Christmas vacation with James' family so I'm going to have to fight them for time with Dorian. ;) I will have a 1 week Easter break with Dorian, and James may or may not be on tour at that time. Then I will have all of next summer off, which will be really great. It works out well since James tours so much in the summer. I don't think our situation could be any more perfect. Who knows, James may change his mind about wanting to stay home with Dorian, but I doubt it. He's always been more content finding things to do on his own than I have. The first year after we moved here, he couldn't work because he didn't have his US visa yet. He always had things to do though...writing music, doing websites, fixing things, etc. He was quite sad when he got the visa and had to find a job. He loved staying at home. I didn't have a job for 6 weeks and was bored silly and even a tad depressed. We have talked about the possibility of James homeshooling our children (yes, we plan on having more, though not for several years) someday because the Bay Area public schools are so horrible and the private schools are so expensive. James loves the thought of being a full-time parent. I loved it when Dori was a newborn. Even up to 6 months. But now, not so much. In fact, not at all. I am definitely not a traditional woman. I can't cook. I hate it. James cooks. I can't iron. James does. I take my clothes to the seamstress if the hem comes undone. James has sewed buttons back on to things for me. I would hire a housecleaner if we could afford it. Yes, I do like organizing and I tidy a lot but that's simply because I hate messes. It doesn't mean I like cleaning. I just hate messes more. In fact, I hate real cleaning with a passion (cleaning toilets, cleaning the stove, mopping, etc). James usually ends up doing those tasks. It's funny, my parents were the same way. Mom worked long hours nursing and while Dad worked too, he was home a lot more and did more of the parenting and the domestic duties. I do feel like I'm turning into my mom a bit with the nursing and everything! I guess there are worse people to turn into.

Okay, now I'm just rambling. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Or try to anyway. There are firecrackers going off everywhere in our neighborhood so we'll see how much sleep I get with the noise and the sleepless baby. Wish me luck. I am so tired, it's not even funny. Not that any of you were laughing about it anyway. That would be mean. I am so jealous of James getting to sleep all summer. At least, that better be what he's doing at night while he's away!!!! ;)