Warning: Rambling Post Ahead

I will post loads of pictures within the next couple days, but first, can I just say how excited I am for James to return home tomorrow? Oh my god, I can not wait. This has been the hardest separation by far. Dorian is just such a handful (delightful as he is) and it really is impossible for one person to take care of him 24/7. At least if that person wants to keep their sanity. He is sleeping so much better now, but the first week James was gone and after his parents went back to England, I thought I was going to die. No, seriously. I was so fucking tired. I was almost back to the exhaustion breakdown point I reached after our Christmas England trip and then illness city in January. Luckily, I didn't lose massive quantities of weight or get sick this time (no Swine Flu here!) After a few days of practically having a nervous breakdown each day, my mother stepped in and took over (I'm sure she would have stepped up sooner but I wanted to try to do everything on my own - I feel like a bad mother when I don't). She went back to her old routine of putting Dorian to bed in his bed and then leading him back to his room every time he got up and sternly telling him to stay in bed. We did this about 2 months ago and since then Dorian's sleeping had improved. I think Jen and Grae's visit (and a 3 day trip away), our trip to Bakersfield, and then James leaving really threw off Dorian's sleep schedule again. That boy needs routine like I need chocolate. Plus, he REALLY knows how to play me. He knows I'll eventually crack and let him come into bed with me. I couldn't survive if I didn't do that. Anyway, back to my mom...so she put Dorian to bed and down for naps for about 4 days in a row. The change was remarkable. He has been taking naps every day for the past week or so. Long ones. Going down easily without crying. Staying in his bed. Talking to himself until he falls asleep. Happy when he wakes. No temper tantrums during the day. He's been going down easily for bed. Not quite as many mid-night wake-ups (only 2-4 versus 6-8 we had that first week) and the last few mornings (except for this morning) he slept until 5:30am! He had been waking by 4am every day.

I know some people think I complain too much about Dorian's sleep (I had to drop some Facebook "friends" recently because they told me as much and I refuse to remain "friends" with people who don't support me emotionally). But truly, this kid just doesn't sleep sometimes. I am not exaggerating. I can survive on 5 hours of sleep a night. I'm not asking for 8 solid hours. But this kid was giving me 3-4 broken hours of sleep if I was lucky. And no naps. And then being a major pain in the butt during the day. I was exhausted. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. I am feeling much better now, but boy, I hope he doesn't regress to that point again (particularly while I'm in the intensive nursing program which starts in 3 weeks!) I hate feeling like a pessimistic complainer who can't function or enjoy her child's development. It's awful. But when you're that sleep-deprived, the only thing you can do is focus on not killing yourself or your child (I don't mean by suicide or murder - I just mean by not crashing your car, trying to stay awake enough to make sure your child doesn't stick his fingers in a socket, trying to feed yourself and your child, etc). It is really, really hard and I can see how parents end up having breakdowns or worse. I was *this* close. Truly. Thank goodness I have my parents and a wonderful group of friends. My mom helped out with bedtimes and naptimes for several days. My parents took Dorian on some outings each week-end. My friend Kate took Dorian three weekdays for me so I could sleep (I could not have survived this tour without her - she also got Dori to nap the days he was with her). My friends Nathalie and Wellington watched Dorian one morning so I could run, and my friend Renee watched Dorian another morning so I could run some errands. I am very, very lucky to have such a fabulous support system. Anyway, I know this has been rambling and this isn't even supposed to be my complaining blog anymore but I thought it had been awhile since we posted a sleep update on this blog. Fingers crossed...we really have turned a corner over the past week! When James returns home, we're going to work on getting Dori to stay in HIS bed all night long. I think part of the reason he wakes is because I roll over or whatever in my sleep, and wake him. Or he wakes because he knows I'm there and will cuddle him and hold him close if he cries. I know we need him out of our bed for sleep's sake, but I must admit, there is a part of me that will sorely miss cuddling him as we sleep. I love that boy so much. And I love my husband and can't wait to see him tomorrow (and not just so he can do Dori-duty for the next few weeks).