Be warned: the below post contains language you may not feel comfortable with. It's my blog.
I was bad. The past 2 nights, I've ended up pulling Dorian into bed with me. And so ends Sleep Training Session #3,064. I can't do it on my own. I tried. I really did. I did it for almost a week on my own!!! Dorian has majorly regressed...the past 4 nights have been hell. I am fucking exhausted. If I don't get some sleep, I am going to die. You think I'm kidding, but I'm serious. I am sure being on your deathbed feels like this. Plus, Dorian and I are flying to San Diego next week for 5 days so his whole sleep schedule and routine is going to be off anyway. That terrifies me too...I was so exited to visit my old college roommate Juleane and my friend Jessica but what if I'm so tired, I can't enjoy the trip? Also, it is so unfortunate...James doesn't get back until the day I start nursing school. We'll have to restart sleep training all over again and it will be while I'm in school. Damn it!!!! I'm horrendously stressed and scared enough about starting nursing school as it is, I REALLY didn't want to have to sleep train the baby as well. Did you know if I get under 75% on any exam, I'll be kicked out of the program??? How's that for stress-inducing??? I am freaking terrified.
And if one more person tells me to "Stay strong," "Hold it together," "Stiff upper lip," etc, etc, etc, I WILL FUCKING SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am holding it together. This blog is a place for me to vent. If I really felt I couldn't cope, I'd go out and hire a babysitter, money or no money. This just sucks. I can't say I'm happy. I don't know how single parents do it 24/7, I really don't. And before you comment about James being away so much, it is his job. HIS JOB. I want him to be in the band. He stays in the band. If Dorian isn't sleeping by next summer, I'll hire help. It makes me so sad that Dorian doesn't sleep. I worry that people think I'm incompetent for not being able to take care of a baby on my own without complaining. Does everyone understand that you can barely lift a fork to your mouth or go to the bathroom if you're this sleep-deprived? Seriously. I can't think. All those plans to read nursing textbooks this summer? Ha. Yeah right, even when I do have the time to open them, I sure as hell can't focus or comprehend what I'm reading. Am I going to fail out of school in the fall? I now see why sleep-deprivation is used as a form of torture. I think I would rather have a raging bladder infection, migraine headache and full-blown panic attack while going through childbirth than be this sleep-deprived.
Friday, August 1, 2008
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5 comments:
Time to buy a bigger bed so at least you and James can turn over!! Make lemonade.
oh kel kel. i will not offer words of encouragement or lie and say things will get better. but as long as i've known you, you've always powered through. this is no exception, you've just never dealt with this before. kel, you will never get below a 75%, as terrified as you might feel, you are brilliant and dedicated. no amount of sleep deprivation will keep you from getting through nursing school. dori is loved and he knows it, james is loved and he knows it. worry about yourself a bit. get a baby sitter, take a day off. don't worry about everyone else. when you come visit, even if all we do is sit around lounging begging dorian to sleep, it will be amazing. when dori's old enough to travel and do events, you can come down (james included) and we'll go to the zoo, sea world, lego land and all that. right now, i just want to see you, exhausted and crazy, i'll take you anyway you come. i love you, we all love you. only you know what's right for you and your son. you've tried everything you can for now, be proud that you're surviving. i am still in awe of you (and you and james), you never cease to amaze me. i love you.
ps i posted a picture for you to see on my blog
Kelly, you need to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. Dori will learn to sleep when he's ready to - everybody does, eventually! Sleep when you can, sleep when he does, get a babysitter so you can sleep, whatever.
Dorian needs his mama to be functional more than anything else. You'll get through this! Hugs to you both!
by the way, i like hearing you vent. it's good to know you aren't perfect (at least not all the time) ;) muah!
aww... I like what jessierose had to say!! What a good friend!!
I say just co-sleep :) If that is what makes for a happy baby, then you will also have a happy mom!! If we did not have 3 littles ones, I would SO co-sleep. The babies love it. Do whatever you need to do to get sleep. Whatever works is my motto!!! Sleep deprivation sucks big time.
I really feel that when Dorian is ready, it will just happen. All the sleep training in the world isn't going to make him sleep. (at least that was my experience with Hudson - the more we tried to force it on him, the more he fought us... so yeah, he slept in his swing for months. No big deal. He now sleeps in his crib and sleep great!! It had to be on his terms. Now his siblings are the swing sleepers!!)
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